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The American animated sitcom Archer series follows the adventures of a dysfunctional intelligence agency. It is centered around Sterling Archer and seven other characters. The show takes place in an anachronistic Cold War-sequel world and mocks espionage and culture as well as the human condition.
Archer quotes are quite famous for their wittiness and humor, and this is due to the good writing of the show’s creators.
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Let’s look at the best Archer quotes from different characters..
Archer Quotes by Sterling Archer
1. “For I am a sinner in the hands of an angry God. Bloody Mary, full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails. Pray for me now and at the hour of my death, which I hope is soon. Amen.”
2. “Because how hard is it to poach a god damn egg properly? Seriously, that’s like eggs 101, Woodhouse.”
3. “What? You hear machine guns and decide now’s a good time to take out the… oh. Oh, that’s groceries. I’m sorry. I thought it was garbage.”
4. “I thought they just wanted my hair so their scientists could unlock its luxuriant fullness. Touch it, Barry.”
5. “Oh, I’m sorry. I guess I skipped the Emily Post chapter on how to introduce your mother to a hooker.”
6. “Karate? The Dane Cook of martial arts?“
7. “I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of my giant throbbing erection.“
8. “I mean, I didn’t invent the turtleneck, Lana, but I was the first to recognize its potential as a tactical garment. The tactical turtleneck, Lana. The…tactleneck!”
9. “You killed a black astronaut, Cyril! That’s like killing a unicorn!”
Archer Quotes by Lana Kane
10. “You little- you sack of shit, I dumped you because you’re dragging around a 35 year old umbilical cord!“
11. “…Or ass level, which in your case would also take off your head.“
12. “Thanks, no, I’m allergic to cat piss. Go away.“
13. “My vulva is smoother than a veal cutlet!”
14. “God damn it, will you calm the shit down!…My baby’s not gonna grow up to be a coke addict.“
15. “So don’t speak to me, Ever! And while you’re not speaking to me, jump up your own ass and die!“
Archer Quotes by Cheryl Tunt
16. “Sorry, ignore me. My whole thing is I just crave attention.“
17. “Ugh! Now nobody’s picking up! A monkey could do this stupid job!“
18. “Where are we, Six Flags Over the Shittier Parts of Chernobyl?“
Archer Quotes by Ray Gillette
19. “She (Malory) has never liked me. But I’m gonna write a book about this place. Mm-hmm. A real smackeroonie.“
20. “Just try to think about something else… like how there’s no sink in there.”
21. “You guys, my car’s slowing down for some unknown reason, must just be out of… carburetor!“
22. “You can’t tourniquet the taint!“
23. “Oh no, it’s Maximum Overdrive all over again…!“
24. “Now it requires literal leg work, Ray. Like walking and maybe running. But hopefully not running because I’ll be in brand new shoes.”
Archer Quotes by Algernop Krieger
25. “You people would be amazed at what you do when you think that you’re alone!“
26. “Are you addressing me? Because your authority is not recognized in Fort Kickass.“
27. “Well, there goes the frying pan theory.“
28. “Just don’t make any sudden movements, bowel or otherwise…“
29. “And by the way, if I was a clone of Adolf goddamn Hitler, wouldn’t I look like Adolf goddamn Hitler?“
30. “Is it murder if they were my own clones? Because I’m seriously asking.“
Best Dialogues from Archer Series
31. Archer: How much of that did you hear?
Lana: Depends. What’s your angle, Seamus?
Archer: (chuckles) Well, probably about 30 degrees.
[background rim shot]
Ray: (in background) Diminishing returns, Cliff!
32. Ray: Oh! So I’m good enough to drive y’all around?! Great! Maybe on the way we can stop off down the Piggly Wiggly!
Lana: When this is over, I really think you and I should have a nice long talk.
Ray: I’m sorry, am I forgetting my place?
Lana: Little bit.
33. Pam: Cyril, you can lie to yourself…
Ray: Obviously, look at your sweater.
34. Agent Hawley: After the air strike on the palace, you won’t be able to swing a dead cat in the air without hitting a Marine.
Cheryl: Plus, if you did, I bet they’d smash your teeth down your stupid throat.
35. Ray: Good morning, this is Captian Ray Gillette welcoming you aboard from the flight deck. Flight time to Branson is about 3 hours–
Archer: No it isn’t!
Ray: Shut up, and in the meantime..
36. Ray: Is this Brett’s blood?
Cheryl: Ugh no, just the same type. We had to fudge it a little on the stains, some of which actually were fudge
Pam: And some of which merely resembled it
37. Ray: To reiterate, I am paralyzed!
Cyril: Well, join a support group.
Malory: For who? Crippled gay hillbilly spies? There’s a niche.
38. Pam: What a hunk
Cheryl: Total sploosh.
Lana: Yeah, gotta give him a sploosh.
Gillette: And whatever my equivalent of sploosh. Which I guess is just sploosh. Only with semen.
39. Malory: Ray, get your purse and take some midol, you’re going back for him.
Ray: According to these notes from my doctor, a radiologist and my new neurologist I am doing no such thing.
40. Archer: I have a plan that doesn’t involve you stealing my toiletries.
Gillette: You’re not using them.
Archer: Yes, I am
Gillette: Go look at your pores and then tell me you’re using them
41. Malory: I am not sharing a room with you.
Gillette: No, I’m sharing it with you and it’s the last room in the hotel. No view but it’s
got two queens.
Malory: Where’s the other one, greasing up in the bathroom?
42. Rona: Where’s my journal?
Pam: I maybe kind of sort of took it?
Gillette: Why would you do that?
Cheryl: Did you think it was meat?
Archer: Different Character Analysis
Archer is an adventure of eight dysfunctional agents and their support staff at the International Secret Intelligence Service, a fictional intelligence agency based in New York.
The first character in Archer is the main lead Sterling Archer who is a narcissistic, womanizing protagonist. Second is Malory Archer, the retired agent-turned-ISIS director. Other than these two, there is Sterling’s snarky, emotionally distant mother.
Lana Kane, Sterling’s love interest and mother of his infant daughter, and by far the most professional field agent at ISIS; Ray Gillette, the agency’s openly gay bomb specialist; Pam Poovey, the head of the agency’s Human Resources department who her peers often ridicule;
Cyril Figgis, a mild-mannered accountant-turned-agent; Cheryl Tunt, Malory’s delusional, psychotic personal assistant; and Dr. Algernop Krieger, a bizarre, morally bankrupt scientist with little regard for the well-being of his test subjects.
Many of the supporting characters were given expanded roles in later episodes. New characters are also being introduced to improve the plot, like Slater, an arms dealer, and agent for the CIA. Katya Kazanova is Sterling’s ex-love interest. Barry Dylan is Sterling’s nemesis, who, after seeking redemption, becomes his friend.
What is Archer based on?
Inspired by Jason Fitzgerald, Archer’s title character isn’t based on anyone from real life. Only the face and the character model were inspired by Jason Fitzgerald.