1. Mother: Well, I hate to say I told you so. Archer: Do you? Mother: No. It’s one of the few great pleasures in life.
2. Archer: I’m hungry. Malory: So lick that coat. You smell like a… Archer: Grill cheese. Malory: What? Archer: Grill me a cheese. Malory: I’m not grilling you a cheese! Archer: (Begins sobbing)
3. Archer: Are you shitting me?!? Pam: Awwww, I wouldn’t shit you, you’re my favourite turd!
4. “On your knees, hands behind your head, and toss out that weapon! But not in that order.”
5. “Karate? The Dane Cook of martial arts?”
6. “For I am a sinner in the hands of an angry God. Bloody Mary, full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails. Pray for me now and at the hour of my death, which I hope is soon. Amen.”
7. “Press that red button.”
8. “If I cared about what you do on the weekend, I would stick a shotgun in my mouth and pull the trigger with my toes.”
9. Archer: Heiresses to fortunes like your family’s don’t fake their own deaths. They murder their parents and blame it on some poor Hispanic or Negro. Cheryl: Yes, I thought about that, but I don’t know any Hispanics or Negroes. Archer: No, they make up the Hispanic or Negro. Cheryl: I honestly wouldn’t know where to begin.
10. “Like you would recognise a vegetable that wasn’t wrapped in a Monte Cristo sandwich.”
11. “Just try to think about something else… like how there’s no sink in there.”
12. “You guys, my car’s slowing down for some unknown reason, must just be out of… carburetor!”
13. Archer: New hot tub. 50 jets. Hand hewned California Redwood. No big deal Burt Reynolds: The California Redwood is endangered. Archer: So. I already got my tub.
14. “You killed a black astronaut, Cyril! That’s like killing a unicorn!”
15. “You wouldn’t know the truth if it bit you on the ass and held on, would ya!”
16. Coroner: Your jerk-off partner is already back there. Poovey: Uh, what? Archer: Ugh. Glasses, dark hair, gray at the temples, mouth that looks like somebody used a tomato capper to scoop out a pig’s asshole and glued it onto his nose? Poovey: Aww shit.
17. “I don’t know, maybe a mutiny of clowns.”
18. “You people would be amazed at what you do when you think that you’re alone!”
19. Archer: Cry “Havoc!” and let slip the hogs of war. Krieger: Dogs of wars. Archer: Whatever farm animal of war, Lana. Shut up.
20. “I’m a field agent, Isaac Newton. I risk my life. So, yeah, I do deserve the best space in the parking garage.”
21. Ray: I failed my induction screening. Verl: Well yeah. Cliff: Obviously. Floyd: You put the “F” in 4F! Ray: You know…
22. “I mean, I didn’t invent the turtleneck, Lana, but I was the first to recognize its potential as a tactical garment. The tactical turtleneck, Lana. The…tactleneck!”
23. “Now it requires literal leg work, Ray. Like walking and maybe running. But hopefully not running because I’ll be in brand new shoes.”
24. “Are you addressing me? Because your authority is not recognized in Fort Kickass.”
25. “Just don’t make any sudden movements, bowel or otherwise…”
26. “Goats – what in the Christ – I’ll have your hide as boots and the rest of you as a curry!”
27. Archer: Judging from the decor, I’m guessing Spelvin has one of those kick ass Japanese soaking tubs. Cyril: After all that you want to take a bath? Archer: Do you not?
28. “You’d be amazed what you people do when you think you’re alone. Cyril.”
29. Archer: Look, I know you cops have to check your weapons up front, and there’s five of us and only one of you, so… Pam: So who wants their ass beat first? And before you decide, keep in mind that I’m gradually goin’ to get more tired, but also gradually more berserker.
30. Archer: You said no dates! Malory: I said no such thing. Archer: Well, your mouth did. Malory: Well, your mouth better get over there and make Torvald happy. Archer: Um, phrasing.
31. “I took three Valium. If I get any more relaxed I will literally die.”
32. “You can’t have a flasback with a flashforward in it. That’s just bad writing.”
33. “You little- you sack of shit, I dumped you because you’re dragging around a 35 year old umbilical cord!”
34. Archer: Hello? There’s this great new thing called coasters! Cheryl: Geesh Al, sorry. Archer: Don’t apologize to me, apologize to the Brazilian Rosewood.
35. “I was the first to see its potential as a tactical garment.”
36. “I thought they just wanted my hair so their scientists could unlock its luxuriant fullness. Touch it, Barry.”
37. “You’re like wile e. Coyote with access to predator drones.”
38. “And why are you dressed like the whore the rest of the trailer park finally decided they had to stone to death?”
39. “Now who wants an widdle ice chip! No? I suppose you’d prefer a nice big bottle of that liquid butter fat.”
40. “Don’t just sit there sweating like a gigantic cheese, do something!”
41. “I’ll be watching you like a hawk. That’s been bred with an eagle…to produce some kind of eagle-eyed superhawk…with a badge.”
42. “Because how hard is it to poach a god damn egg properly? Seriously, that’s like eggs 101, Woodhouse.”
43. “Oh no, it’s Maximum Overdrive all over again…!”
44. “So don’t speak to me, Ever! And while you’re not speaking to me, jump up your own ass and die!”
45. “That’s gotta be a real knee to the old emotional nut sack.”
46. “Guys, come on. Can’t we have one poker night without a hate crime?”
47. Archer: I thought they just wanted my hair so their scientists could unlock the secret of its luxurious fullness. Touch it, Barry. Barry: No. Archer: Come on. Barry: It’s not that thick back here.
48. “Give it time. This isn’t the Flintstones. We can’t just wang him in the head with a frying pan!”
49. “Thanks, no, I’m allergic to cat piss. Go away.”
50. “Oh, I’m sorry. I guess I skipped the Emily Post chapter on how to introduce your mother to a hooker.”
51. “She (Malory) has never liked me. But I’m gonna write a book about this place. Mm-hmm. A real smackeroonie.”
52. Archer: Seriously, where do you keep the fruity drink powder? I’d even take Rootin’ Tootin’ Raspberry. Lana: How noble. Archer: Well, no, I’d still bitch about it. And I think I’ve earned that right!
53. Figgis: Why do you constantly bring that up? Poovey: What, Archer hammering your wife? Figgis: Yes! Poovey: In her flaps? Figgis: YES!! Poovey: [shrugs and mumbles] I dunno.
54. “This time really get in there. All you’ve been doing is giving one side hell.”
55. “I couldn’t hear you over the sound of this gigantic freakin’ tank!”
56. “What? You hear machine guns and decide now’s a good time to take out the… oh. Oh, that’s groceries. I’m sorry. I thought it was garbage.”
57. Archer: Who gets into a hot tub naked with a stranger? Lana: Because everybody? Because Berkley?! Archer: How doese a whole city get a pass from acceptable behavior!
58. “Is it murder if they were my own clones? Because I’m seriously asking.”
59. Archer: Cyril, let’s get that sweater vest off buddy Cyril: I’m sorry? Archer: I know! Nobody makes you wear them.
60. “God damn it, will you calm the shit down!…My baby’s not gonna grow up to be a coke addict.”
61. “My vulva is smoother than a veal cutlet!”
62. Pam: The identity of every single ISIS field agent is on there! Archer: So what? Malory: Because most secret agents don’t tell every harlot from here to Hanoi that they ARE secret agents. Archer: Then why be one?
63. “Well, there goes the frying pan theory.”
64. Archer: Oh my God! You killed a hooker! Cyril: Call girl! She was a… Archer: No Cyril, when they’re dead, they’re just hookers.
65. “And by the way, if I was a clone of Adolf goddamn Hitler, wouldn’t I look like Adolf goddamn Hitler?!”
66. Archer: Seriously, this must be what it’s like to have sex with me. Lana: How can an airboat be selfish? Archer: Nope, can’t hear you. I’m too happy.
67. “You can’t tourniquet the taint!”
68. “I know you better sit your ass down before I jam an Easy Spirit up it.”
69. Krieger: Look, I’m just following orders. Barry: That’s what the Nazis said! Krieger: Yeah, tell ME about Nazis.
70. “WIC! It’s like welfare but for babies. I don’t know, I’m not a Democrat but I think they give you a birth cheese.”
71. “Yeah, that was the third dumbest thing I’ve ever said. Wait, what were the first two?”
72. Archer: Pam, wait up! Get me drunk enough and i might have sex with you Pam: Really? Archer: No. It’s a catch-22. The amount of alcohol I would need would literally kill me. But I do want to see how many pool balls you can stick in your mouth. Pam: My record’s three.
73. Archer: Well, so, um, well, you’re the, um singer here. Lana: Wow, and you must be an old gypsy woman. Archer: Close, I’m a private investigator. I’m doing some work for your boss. Lana: And apparently doing it with a fresh new take on the word, “private.
74. Pam: Cyril, can you explain compound interest to her? Cyril: Maybe, if we had an infinite amount of time, and she were someone else.
75. “Now’s the perfect time. It’s not like you haven’t thought about it. Just crash the sub and kill them,”
76. Mother: They say the devil’s in the details. Archer: And silk pajamas.
77. “…Or ass level, which in your case would also take off your head.”
78. “Oh. I thought we were laughing at the dead people we set on fire.”
79. “My third biggest fear. He brings home a whore and says “we’re married.” Oh and the whore has bangs.”
80. “Well, if I did want a grandchild, I would just scrape all your previous mishaps into a big pile, and knit a onesie for it.”
81. “That wasn’t a brain chip. That was a just a sticker of the backpack of a little Lego spaceman.”
82. Archer: I really wish we hadn’t have done that. Poovey: I can never unsee him naked. Archer: I mean, the size of that thing. Poovey: Haul that big bastard out and you can use it as an umbrella stand.
83. “So you just listen to me, Mr Man. Get me some video footage of hot man on man action by tonight, or don’t bother coming home!”
84. “I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of my giant throbbing erection.”
85. “Start counting backwards from a million years and when you get to zero, that still won’t happen.”
86. Archer: You realize you’re in huge trouble. Woodhouse: Yes, sir. Archer: And now I have to spend my first Friday off in like forever… Woodhouse: Yes, sir. Archer: …devising some bizarre punishment for you. Woodhouse: Yes, sir. Archer: So don’t be suprised if you find yourself eating a whole bunch of spiderwebs.
87. Lem Kane: That’s why I had to keep my secret. Can you imagine what that would mean to big oil or OPEC? Archer: Well, there’s no need to be racist. Lana: How is the acronym for the organization of pertoleum exporting countries racist? Archer: Oh, that’s what it means?
88. “You know what this is?”
