1. “Me think, why waste time say lot word, when few word do trick. When me President they see. They see.”
2. Dwight: Excuse me, I have to run to my car, to take a dump. Kevin: wish my car had bathroom.
3. “I have very little patience for stupidity.”
4. “At least once a year I like to bring in some of my Kevin’s favorite chili. The trick is to under-cook the onions. Everybody is going to get to know each other in the pot.”
5. “No. It’s not Ashton Kutcher. It’s Kevin Malone.”
6. “I got myself for Secret Santa. I was supposed to tell somebody, but I didn’t.”
7. “Angel’a’s cats are so cute. You just want to eat them. But you can’t eat cats. You can’t eat cats, Kevin.”
8. “A fluke is one of the most common fish in the sea, so if you go fishing for a fluke, chances are you just might catch one.”
9. Erin: Angela had the baby? Kevin: Is it black? Because that would be hilarious.
10. Dwight: Do more stupid faces! Kevin: Which one? I have a lot of stupid faces.
11. “I Don’t Know, Guys, I For One, Enjoy Watching Them.”
12. “I like knowing that there’s going to be a break. Most days I just sit and wait for the break.”
13. “Sometimes I feel like everyone I work with is an idiot. And by sometimes, I mean all times. All the time.”
14. Michael: We’re moving to Colorado! Kevin: All of us?
15. “Okay, this is really hard to follow. Can we just say Pete, because that’s the guy Erin’s flirting with?”
16. Dwight: Do you even know where paper comes from? Kevin: Uh… the man tree put his penis.. Dwight: Okay! okay!
17. “I kinda know what it’s like to be in commercials. My nickname in high school used to be Kool-Aid Man.”
18. “What would you say to you and me hittin’ the town? ‘Cause I’m free, literally forever.”
19. “Nope it’s not Ashton Kutcher, it’s Kevin Malone. Equally handsome, equally smart.”
20. “You know who’s really funny? This bird in the park that can’t fly right. I’d pay to see him but I don’t have to, ‘cause the park is free.”
21. “You think this is a great party? This cake has vegetables in it like a salad bar, Robert.”
22. “After Stacey left, things did not go well for a while. And, it was hard to see.. It’s just nice to win one”
23. “I do deserve a vacation. Sometimes Batman’s got to take off his cape.”
24. “Oh, nothing is ever your fault! Just like when you ate those maple candies that you brought for us!”
25. “The people here are amazing debaters. I guess you can say they are master-debaters.”
26. Gabe: This is violent and offensive. Kevin: Thank you. It really makes me self-conscious about my voice. Gabe: It’s awful [offers a tissue] Kevin: I’m not crying. Gabe: There’s food on your face.
27. “I Am Totally Going To Bang Holly. She Is Cute And Helpful, And She Really Seems Into Me.”
28. “You’re too character-y to be a lead, and you’re not fat enough to be a great character actor.”
29. “The only problem is whenever I try to make a taco, I get too excited and crush it.”
30. Val: Does Daryl not swim? Kevin: That’s racist! I don’t know. But I would say by looking at him. No, Daryl does not swim.
31. “I hear Angela’s party will have double fudge brownies. But it will also have Angela.”
32. Jim: Hey Kev. How was your weekend? Kevin: Good, I watched TV for 14 hours.
33. “Good old Kevin. He’ll do anything. Well guess what? I will not do a good job.”
34. “Poor Andy. First you got beat up by a gang, and now she kicks your *ss?”
35. “This is a documentary? Ohhhh. I always thought we were like specimens in a human zoo”
36. “I just want to sit on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
37. Oscar: Please don’t say anything offensive. Kevin: Got that bimbo? Erin: Got it bimbo.
38. Kevin: (practicing CPR, tired and panicked) I can’t do this forever. Instructor: It’s been twenty seconds. Kevin: Call it.
39. “So, Dwight doesn’t understand what a silent auction is. I guess he’s the ‘stupid guy’ in the office, huh? Cause up ’til now, we didn’t have one.”
40. “I am enormously proud of what I did for that turtle”
41. “I Think That We Should Let The Criminal Use The Card A Little Longer”
42. “I’m gonna get in my car. When I start dying I will honk the horn three times. That means save the dog.”
43. Meredith: If I ever got that bad, you’d tell me right? Kevin: Meredith, I tell you all the time.
44. Holly: You guys, it wasn’t my fault! Kevin: Oh nothing is ever your fault! Just like when you ate those maple candies that you brought for us!
45. Dwight: What are you doing? Kevin: I wanted to eat a pig in a blanket, in a blanket.
46. Oscar: Great. They stole me laptop. Kevin: Yeah, well, they stole my laptop. Oscar: How does that even compare? Kevin: Oscar, I’m now going to be prone to surges.
47. “They’re making fun of Cookie Monster, I get that; but in a weird way, it’s like they’re making fun of me.”
48. “Mini-cupcakes? As in the mini version of regular cupcakes? Which is already a mini version of cake? Honestly, where does it end with you people?”
49. “I can’t keep doing this forever. It’s been 20 seconds. Call it.”
50. “We’re aware of what it means, Oscar. You just do not look cool saying it.”
51. “I got six numbers, one more and it would have been a complete phone number.”
52. “It’s Probably The Thing I Do Best.”
53. “I Can’t Keep Doing This Forever…Call It.”
54. Erin: You’re gonna be alright. Kevin: No. No he’s not.
